not you again!?!

i am in love.

and it's a sad sad story.
i don't know where to start with my ventilation about this tormenting, cliche, adornment. he does not deserve this love from me, it's really eating me up with self lament. how can i continue to give this love to him. gosh... this is crap.

so. the ex. cruel and scandalous. what the hell is my problem. he doesn't love me back. he left me like 2 fucking years ago. after a 4 year relationship. a measly 4 years that felt like the rest of that life. and it was. this life is an all new story. the baby girl came and he went. went and found a girl. a girl who came along and was easy. an easy escape from the difficult life that is living with a new baby and a crazy postpartum woman and a 4 year old who does not share his genes. take the new and forget the old. we, my daughters and i, we became the old. the past is often easy to walk away from, but not so easy to forget. for me, that crazy postpartum woman, it was neither. i was alone after considering that to be the partnership that would last my lifetime. i was alone, and yet i was not. i had my two wonderful daughters, and sadly enough, they became my escape from a woman i did not know. a woman with her head in her hands. a woman lost in a sea of torment. i was just ready to die. and each night i lived i would lie down and cry the dawn awake. the moon was my sole companion. and each time i saw him i would throw the pain at him, looking for compassion from a stone cold escapee. broken in many ways i gave up on myself. i gave up on this life. i wanted so bad for the walls to collapse and devour my body. my health was wafting out the window, like the smoke from the smoldering ashes that was our failed relationship. during this time i was living in the house that we had made our home, and i had no way to pay for it as i was not working. all around me were solemn reminders of the wars that had taken place, and in the same house, i was living in all the smiles we had shared and all the nights wrapped so tight in eachother's souls. and each type of memory was equally paralyzing. the bed which became soaked in my tears night after night. the bed we had shared. the poor children. i knew that they could hear me if they would have been awake on any given night. my beautiful daughters, watching their mother crumble in the toxicity that was my addiction. no, not a drug. a disease of a love that was killing me. and to be honest, over the months that i played this track over and over there were slowly messages from the creator, sent in an attempt to save me from decomposing alive. i think the first one was a message of self awareness. said plainly, "you are alive. you are real. child i made you" and although this message was ill-received, eventually i did become thankful that i had survived all the manic thoughts of rolling my car at 80 to make it look like an accident. i was angry with the great power we all share, i was angry with my maker. i hated that power for letting him hurt me. i was mad at myself for ever allowing my trust to be shattered (again.) the most important message at that time was received exactly when i needed it. my flesh was sick. i was so entirely toxic with "stress" that i had thrown my body into a destructive pattern. i had stopped eating regularly. i layed in bed as much as i could get away with. i had no friends. my ex had been the only thing that i cared about aside from my children. but the message i received was this: you control your universe. all you have to do is consciously control it. so this allowed me a way to take control of my health. i began to remember what i was thankful for. and this was the step that made me realize that i was face down in the mud. slowly i healed myself of the hideous afflictions that had kept me hiding in my misery. before this situation arose, i had never experienced any type of blemish on my face aside from the occasional small pimple or blackhead. and as i sank deeper and deeper into my own hell, as my health discinigrated i actually ended up with cystic acne. and having never dealt with any aesthetic flaw such as this, i was just so humiliated. that year at all of the family gatherings that i drug myself to, they would all ask me, "melisa, what happened to your face?!" not even realizing that they were saying that about acne. they had thought that i was in some type of an accident. that is how bruised and infected my flesh was. it was literally burning off of my face. then there was the hair. i was losing hair by the fistful. god, that was one awful time of my life, but when i realized that i owned my own universe, that i could control it, i started changing the things that i knew were going to eventually make my children orphans. i started with my face, i healed it with the power of organizing some of my thoughts and changing them. without drugs or chemicals i might add. (however, the avocado helped me regain the health of my facial skin.) it's a short sentence, but it took some time. in this time the pain did not lessen, it worsened. i was being forced back into the world, i had to get money. and it seemed that the more people i met, the emptier and lonelier my own life became. until one fateful night. i had plans to go to a concert. and the twisted story behind this show was that i had told my ex that i was taking him to the show for his birthday present. one of our favorite bands was going to be in denver, and i wanted to take him. really, looking back i know that it was a pathetic attempt to show him that i was still the awesome chick who he had chosen 4 years prior to be his. but he must've seen that even though i didn't, because he turned down the offer, telling me that his girlfriend didn't approve of the gesture. so, after i regained my composure, i decided to go anyways. this was so huge for me, because i hadn't done anything alone. anything. i had only seen children's movies since the split, so i could take the girls. i never left the house alone, i was totally socially terrified. but for some reason, that night, i didn't cancel the babysitter. i went to that concert alone, and although i was afraid, something inside me wouldn't let me cry that night. so, alone i walked into the bluebird. ha, the funny part is that i didn't have an id, because i had lost it in my dark pit (bedroom) so they didn't even want to let me in. so i stood at the box office and plead with the manager to let me in to see my favorite band. so they let me in, but not without making huge x's on my hands. i was sad that i wasn't going to be able to drink, but i didn't care that much. i made my way to the front to see my favorite band,and the crowd was awful. nothing but stupid teenagers, who were not there to see the same band as i, the headliner wasn't my fav playing that night. so, after my band was done, i got out of the teeny-bopper-pit and walked up to the bar. a guy who i had talked to down in the front was standing there (our conversation was this: him:"i think i'm the oldest one here!" me:no, i bet you aren't, how old are you" Him: "26" Me:"oh, maybe u are") and i walked up to him. i said to him, "did you have to get away from the young crowd too?" he was like "no, i wish i was one of them" and i said "i know at least three things that are better when you get older" he asked, "what's that?" and i said "the drinks are better, the sex is better, and the weed is way better when you get older." he laughed and that sparked a conversation that lasted for the rest of the night. as i stood there and talked to this stranger i noticed my ex walk up to the bar and look right at me. my heart jumped into my throat, and for a second i was tempted to rush over to him and-- who knows what. but as i looked at my new hot friend i instantly realized that my life had to go on. i knew right then that i couldn't rush to him, and that i would not even act as if i noticed him, i wouldn't even miss a beat with my idle get-to-know-you-chat. so, this person i met did hear about my id dilemma and made me some deal about buying me drinks.. i don't remember my part, because after 4 long island iced teas and one 7 n 7, i was super lit. my new friend and i decided that we wanted to hang out after the show, and since i needed a sober ride home, that sounded dandy to me. but mind you as all this was taking place, i couldn't stop thinking about my ex, and wishing that it had been him i was going with. stupid i know. but my new friend and i ended up having a super fun night of drinking and passion. funny part is that this meeting later blossomed into what i consider now to be one of my truest friendships. it's incredible how just something such as a friendship will give you a new realization of living. a few months after this i became more aware of my chi and the chi all around me. i began thinking of what energies i was bringing into my body, and how they were affecting my health. that is when i stopped eating animal flesh. i realized that the suffering of the animals was present in my food, and present in my energy. slowly over the last two years i have crawled out of the dark cave i had put myself into. now i am standing strong, glad to be alive. i have created some relationships with people that mean more to me than any forlorn love ever had. i am a scholar looking for my avenue to challenge and change this world. i am a passionate mother who lives fully in, through, and for my children. i don't have the financial part worked out, but i know i will.

and now, alive, healthy, i am sitting. thinking. and slightly aching. aching for the love...

i know it's stupid. after all that he pushed me through. but i am not mad at him for leaving me. in fact i am thankful that he did. seriously, he saved my life. i am thriving and living now, where i was not before. the infidelity had ruined that perfect love we shared. when he cheated on me, he stuck a dagger in a heart that was soly his. and sadly, i was naive to the truth that one must keep one's heart sacred, no matter who it's shared with. i gave it wholly to him and that was my bad. not his. so now, here i am, healed. and back to normal hormonally. and struggling honestly. but one thing is still aching, when i see him, we don't fight anymore. the break up had left us as nothing more than enemies. but now that the bleeding heart is healed, we talk of music and family. his family took me into their hearts, and we still have an endearing relationship. his mom even told me one night on the phone, "u know, [his new girlfriend] she is nice. but i love my melisa. and i asked all my cousins what do they think, and they tell me 'she is nice, but we love our melisa'" which is pretty awesome, because they are all living in el paso and Juarez Mexico, and although i am not a native of their culture, i am a part of their family. so i am left with these feelings. these lonesome feelings. i know that i'm okay alone. i love myself and i am relatively happy alone. but my brain and heart keep thinking of things like the day when he will realize that she isn't what he wants, and he will come crawling back to me. stupid self degrading thoughts. i know better, i promise. i know that even if he does come running back to me, i have to deny him. i have to deny him until i graduate. what a stupid thought that he would want me back and pursue me again. i get sad when i think of the moments when our love was so apparent that you could actually see electricity sparking between us. the nights when it wasn't two bodies intertwined, it was just one being one movement of purity.

i hope and wish that this is just nostalgia creeping in on me. one thing i can't pretend to deny is that there is a place in my heart for him. a place that isn't on the market. i don't try to love him. but i stopped trying not to. to deny my heart something that is there is stifling, and causes me to shiver when i talk to him.


blah.

i honestly wonder if i shall ever be able to give myself to another.